Article for Print in Tomorrow's Newspaper

You can kisssh my sore ass," shouts a protester from the Keys, "George Bush, we’re not leaving!"

Just recently, an anonymous White House insider reports that George Bush, President of the United States, is now controlling hurricane Wilma to destroy all hippies and gays on the southern tip of Florida. Yesterday, Bush was seen with a 9-volt remote control that is guiding the hurricane to collide with the Florida Keys. "He had this weird laugh while he stared at the hurricane {on the monitor} while holding the remote," stated the anonymous intern, "I really think he was enjoying this multi-billion dollar devastation." This same intern purportedly overheard a conversation between Bush, Rove, and Cheney talking about eliminating a vast source of liberals in Florida.

Later that week, another anonymous witness has seen Karl Rove unloading boxes labeled "Box 1, 2, 3, and 5" which are believed to be filled with C-4, a highly explosive material, near the 7-mile bridge. "Rove had this evil look on his face," says an anonymous source, "and I know that he is going to blow up the only evacuation route from Key West…. Too bad none of us have cars!"

Following both Rita and Katrina, hurricanes that devastated the poor, black coast of the Gulf, people are catching on to Bush’s involvement with these obviously, unnatural phenomenon. "Sheer evil genius, but all in a days work for President Bush," proclaims a native of the Keys. "We knew it was only a matter of time before Bush decided to wipe out this huge, democratic voting population."

This new hurricane-controlling machine was actually purchased by the Bush Administration for billions of barrels of oil; answering the week-old question of ‘Why are gas prices so high?’ It is also reported that Bush gave up all of his rations of Tamiflu to sweeten the deal.

"There is no doubt in my mind that this was on the Neo-Con agenda to destroy all the blacks, gays, and hippies," proclaimed the native, "Bush was probably planning this with Roberts and Miers for the last decade. What better way to win elections but by forcing the democrats to use dead people to vote!"

Now that the cat is out of the bag, Bush will probably evade all of the independent investigations by starting a war with Korea. We all know that Bush has ‘wagged the dog’ and will do it again to avoid any more controversy. Rely on us, the mainstream media, to give you fair, balanced coverage of this vast, right-wing conspiracy as it unfolds.