***Note: The following post was sent to me via email. By no means do these jokes express the views of this blog or its owner. Neo-Con Tastic is simply passing what was sent to me.***
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.
I'm not a morning person.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethis....
At a bar somewhere in Texas........
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America, we have so many illegal Aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."